The only one who wished me happy birthday w/o some kind of reminder or prompt was the lady who accepted my voting application today.
Getting older is kind of a lonely process. Perhaps Misa's recent passing and Samhain made the reality closer for me. I am not afraid of death, but of becoming helpless and weak. I hope I die at age 50 as did my mother and father although not die the same way--due to cancer or suicide respectively. Die young and leave a beautiful corpse.
I am glad that I have been able to get some friends together to celebrate my birthday tomorrow, otherwise, my birthdays have been even more depressing when I do nothing to recognize the passing of time and another milestone.
On a side note... it was so weird to me to see signs around town urging people to vote no on the millage b/c it was supporting "irresponsible school spending". The state is cutting funds for districts ... and kids keep needing more textbooks, building, equipment and other resources. Yeah, sure, we don't need to waste money on education--right. Those kids are freeloaders just like my cats. I keep yelling at them to get out and get jobs... damn cats.
Seriously, I just wish that my funds would go to real public schools and not those craptacular charter schools, especially the ones that are for profit and cut bussing and book money for fucking greed.
Misa died somewhat unexpectedly on Wednesday, October 28th. I knew her breathing was a bit off and I was going to take her to the vet when I had the funds to check her out. If I had thought it was serious, I'm sure that Emma would have helped me out but we didn't know. I went to the Secretary of State to renew my license and then picked up Madeline so I was only gone a couple hours. I thought she was just sleeping, but thought it strange she didn't get up with Madeline in the apartment. So I looked at her more closely, she was still warm but still and starting to stiffen.
She looked just like a Halloween cat, with the arched back and tail in the air.
I texted my boss to let him know that I would be late because my cat died; however, he never wrote back or said anything when I came in. I had intended to stop by my uncle's before work, but told him I couldn't because my cat died. He offered to let her be buried in the woods he owns by his house. So I went there and he did most of the shoveling. I wound up only 30 minutes later for work than I had intended. I told a couple of my coworkers that she had died. One tried to comfort me, that I had two others to help take up the space left by the other. She meant well, but you know it's not just not true. You may as well tell someone who one of their children died that they could have more kids or they still have other children. It's not the same. Not at all.
If this had been Madeline or Moe, I would have been more broken up about it. Misa had been hard for me to love. She didn't seem sociable and was aggressive with my other cats. She went potty outside the litterbox if it didn't meet her approval of cleanliness level, something I didn't have the other cats do before. She peed on me when I tried to trim her claws. My ex had claimed her as her familiar so that was another reason I resented her. My ex had found her as a stray, and I decided to keep her since it seemed the Humane Society was overwhelmed with unwanted animals that people could no long afford due to a shitty economy. After my ex moved out and said she couldn't keep her, I decided to try to get Misa another home. Emma took some pictures in this effort. When I noticed she was breathing funny, I decided to hold off on putting her up for adoption until I had her checked out by a vet--nothing worse than just adopting an animal, getting attached, then she dies on you right away. As it was, I only shared my life with Misa for about a year. She was a young cat. I hope that I did her more good than harm. And in the end, I did love her and was very sorry for how I had resented her and yelled at her sometimes.
Here are some more pictures taken in the hopes of finding her a loving home.
Kitty bot, plug her in and watch her go.
So yesterday, I performed a ritual based upon what I learned from thegreencall in Elements class/tutoring. Since we're the closest to the veil I felt it was a good time for funerary rites. I hope that I gave her spirit protection and I wished it to be free--as free as her wild, vibrant soul could be.
Yesterday had my annual physical then my second-to-last laser treatment. If nothing else, it was the most unpainful pap I have ever had. Now that I'm nearly 36, the Physician's Assistant said that I only have to get pap'ed every other year. Yay for getting older and entering the chrone stage of my life?
So you know how you have one date with someone... then they disappear... then they contact you weeks later? So Mr. Unemployed found the time to write back to me after I wrote to him over a couple weeks ago that I wasn't going to contact him anymore since he wasn't returning my emails and I didn't want to feel like a stalker.
I am sending back: "I wasn't holding my breath.
I really could have done w/o this email--I kinda skimmed it."
I guess it's "nice" of him to write, to explain that he is trying to get together with someone he knew from some time ago... but it was like... get over yourself.
So last night went to a private BDSM party. It's $35 or $50 a couple and $1 or free for single women. I was nervous about going to it stag because I didn't want the pressure to "play" with a stranger; however, I figured I would check it out to see if it may be ever worth it to take someone there. Because the place is private, there's no limitation on nudity and can do a lot of things except those involving poo (yeah, not disappointed there). However I was not so sure about this place because they allow drinking which I think is a really bad idea while playing for either the top or bottom. This is run by a couple of swingers so more overtly sexual than a public play-space. The host said that he didn't think a person could have a good scene without sex. I didn't bother arguing although I disagreed.
After an arson at their last place, this was the grand re-opening at a new location which they had been building for about a month. It's still a diamond in the rough, and people were sweeping, wiping down furniture, hammering nails, et cetera. There was less than a dozen people there and most were working on setting up.
So there was one other single female there, just sitting around with me for a while. After about an hour, she said she hadn't had dinner. She said the main party was Saturday night, but she had a time conflict then. I decided to stay another hour to see what happened even though not much was going on other than one man had decided to clean in the nude. I overheard her giving her leave of the host and hostess, but then I heard the host say--"hey, here's a single male" as an incentive to try to get her to stay. I just thought, "Oh no, don't go Noah's ark on me," and decided it was time for me to leave because I didn't want the pressure to play with someone I don't know just because he's a single male and I'm a single female so naturally...
In general, I believe in telling the truth even when it's inconvenient, but I decided to say I needed to work in the morning. I could work this morning so it's not too bad a lie. The thing was, I'd be less uncomfortable working at 6 AM than staying late at a party that hadn't really started, having single men er... introduced to me.
They had also boasted online about free soft-drinks and a great spread of food. I guess they were waiting to get out the food until more people arrived because all they had out were chips, dinner rolls and soft drinks.
So I finally went to the Star Trek exhibit at the science center. That was good for about 90 minutes of fun. I also became interested in watching the other series. I mainly watched the original series and a little bit of TNG. Then in the 90s--maybe into the current century--it seemed like there were too many spin-offs to keep up with so I stopped following. One of the parts of the exhibit was a time-line across the series and movies so I thought it might be interesting to try to watch them sequentially. The coolest part was probably looking at the costumes, sitting on a deck replica and seeing myself be transported. I didn't buy the picture because I was in sweats, a t-shirt, and had a big second smile.
I didn't feel so pretty anyway. I was going to go to a job fair today too, but I had a big white-head on my nose earlier this week, picked it, and then it left a big bloody scab so yuck. I didn't feel like trying to cover it with make-up.
I chose my timing well to visit the exhibit though. I was not crowded at all which I anticipate it will be this coming weekend because it's the last weekend and because it's a holiday weekend. I could have seen the newest Star Trek movie on IMAX for just $6, but decided I had better ways to spend my money. I've already seen it on the big screen three times anyway, just not on IMAX. I also spent an extra 6 bucks on a flight simulator with Worf narrating. That wasn't a good use of funds, but made me want to go to Cedar Point this year, even if I have to go by myself. My college is offering tickets for $30 for transportation, admission, and drinks at the park all day. So after that, I decided to just by myself a ticket. I also bought myself Ren Fest tickets since I figure I'll find someone to go with me... last week I had also bought myself a ticket to go see Ravi Shankar. Ravi Shankar is the Indian classical musician who collaborated with the Beatles, John Lennon and George Harrison on many projects--bringing Indian culture to hippie popular counterculture in the U.S.
So I finally figured out that I don't mind being single, and doing things alone. It's so much less stressful, and I don't have to pay someone's way all the time so that means less expensive. I have wonderful friends too that are willing to do stuff with me.
This was a last minute invitation, but I was so gratified by their penetration into my fortress of solitude.
I don't drink often and never drive after drinking, but I thought there would be no harm in having a Mike's Hard Limeade. Then Winter and hrhqod1 arrived and there was wine and a toast to the gorgeous couple's anniversary. Then... I thought I would like to try another glass of wine--what was the harm if I were to stay there a while? Then I was having so much fun and there were several different bottles of good wine so I just had to try them all.
And ohmigosh, the food! Matt's homemade strawberry-rhubarb pie was better than my grandmother's was! And Jason's home-baked bread was so good. Since I was drinking so much, naturally I had to eat just as much food to absorb the alcohol, right?
So, it was a really good time, but I was so tired and pretty well lit at 2AM. Fortunally, my best friend's parents were out of town so I could sleep over at her place. She offered me her bed then she could sleep in her parents', but I was like no... they must never suspect! It was so funny waking on her couch with terrible acid-reflux and feeling like I was on the walk of shame... She was so kind to offer me a toothbrush and to rejoin our other friends for breakfast--I think I'll be seeing her again ;-)
Thanks for a wonderful time and good memories!
Speaking of memory... I completed my summer reading log and turned in to the Ypsilanti Library--I got to choose a prize in addition to being entered into a drawing. I chose a memory stick! Last year I received a travel mug and won a Border's gift card from the drawing! I'm so lucky sometimes!
"Hurts so bad to hear the words that keep falling from your mouth...And I've heard it said too many times That you'd be better off Besides... Why can't you see this boat is sinking?"
"Don't I exist for you Don't I still live for you (Cold cold cold) Everything I possess Given with tenderness Wrapped in a ribbon of glass...... Dying is easy it's living that scares me to death... I loved you right from the start... But the more I want you the less I get"
It's so the words... but it's supposed to be "thrill me" not "thrilling".
So some good news... I heard Obama announce that he would extend benefits to same gender-couple's partners for federal employees.
I was thinking about looking for out-of-state jobs again, but then I was looking at a U.S. map and decided that Michigan will probably be a happening place in a few decades just because we are surrounded by fresh water. Granholm may not be the greatest governor, but at least she has clearly stated that Michigan's waters are not to be siphoned off to other states on her watch.
I went to a job search workshop with Jaymie a couple weeks ago, and one of the presenters said that it's not uncommon these days for a person to be offered a position then a week later have it rescinded due to budget cuts. That's a nightmare scenario! I'd give my notice, get my job posted, then lose the other job offered! I previously applied for unemployment benefits, got one week's check then was forced to pay it back. They said because I had quit previous positions, I did not qualify. Even though I told them that my workplace was unsafe, that I was assaulted--they didn't care. And they don't care if you leave one position to take a new one--the minute you quit a job for any reason, they can deny benefits. An acquaintance of mine said that people usually win them on appeal, but I had only started a temp placement and didn't want to risk taking time off to go to court when I was so new. So I only wrote a response in a letter then got denied--boo!
I am pretty motivated to try to get a government job though because then I'd have a chance to get my student loans forgiven in 10 years. As it is right now, I'll be in my 60s and still in friggin' debt. Sometimes I wish I had never gone to such a prestigious (expensive) university :-(
Weekend started out really rough, breaking up then making up. Last night went to a Cougar's 40th Birthday Bash. Now going to end in some intense art with NINJA--fuck yeah!
I thought I would get some stuff done today, but wound up running around town shopping. Oh well... my friend bigdoug sent me a link to Youtube kitten porn which spurred more time in the Land of the Lost. Just thought I'd share some highlights:
Okay, and examples that we can all learn to live together in harmony:
So now both classes are over, and my GPA is consistent with last term. Both of my instructors wrote letters of recommendation for me to submit with my application for a college divisional scholarship. Other than it needs to be 250 words, I don't really know what to write. It's based on me being in the business division of the college... I don't know what to write except ham up my academic excellence, how hard I work, and that I do different volunteer projects in the local community.
Yes, hrhqod1 I remember that I am Woman of Excellence per Eastern Michigan University ;-)
You have more strength than most people, and with it, the ability to inflict a lot of harm. Your power gives you confidence, and you find leading others to be easy.
You believe that you need to the best, and you are very driven to excel. Most people immediately admire you, but some people feel very envious of your abilities.
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quixotic_otaku's journal
depressed