My Eyes

The Opthomologist told me I had blood vessels growing in my eyes due to excessive dryness.  She prescribed eye drops and over-the-counter ones as well.  The prescription was $289 dollars so that is on hold.  Apparently I am to keep taking it for six months in order to get my eyes to produce more tears.  I think the price tag covers the tear production adequately.  My company insurance covers 80 percent of my doctor visits after I meet the $250-$500 deductible so I am sure that my eyes will be producing even more tears on their own in the near future.

I decided to go to my chiropractor weekly instead because that is about $45 a week and I believe that will help deal with inflammation and nervous system failures more effectively and less expensively than those drugs.  I decided to get some homeopathic remedies instead of the OTC drugs-- Simalisan natural tears, Evening Primrose Oil, Vitamin B complex, vitamin C and a banana a day--on the recommendation of this article:

That shit was expensive too, but I'm am not so worried about the side effects of these as opposed to the drugs.  Go ahead and let me know if you think I'm being crazy or stupid.  I'm just scared.  I'm worried about losing sight in one eye and the anxiety about getting buried under still more medical bills I cannot afford and screwing up my credit even more comes as a close second.

Health care should be a human right, not a for-profit commodity.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

Post-Imbolic Musings

Started my cycle today so wondered aloud to Emma if I should start collecting in a Diva cup for spring planting season.  She said I should probably just squat outside over the ground directly.  But then, would the harvest still be vegetarian?

I'm not always a very sociable person so I am more determined to meet the eyes of my neighbors and smile, to make an effort to act more nicely.

Questions about where to cultivate my seed and how better to grow

One of my resolutions was to become a member of Toastmasters.  I have attended three meetings so far, including two different chapters.  The first group is the Washtenaw Toastmasters which I didn't feel comfortable about.  From the way people talked and presented themselves, it seemed pretty conservative, heterosexist and gender conformist.  I really felt freaked out and a bit ragey after every meeting.  I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. 

For example, at the last meeting, there was a book auction and people took turns promoting their books in order to raise funds for the club.  So one book sounded interesting until the presenter said, "I like it because it talks about a time when 'men were men', and ... "  I forget the rest but something about courting ladies or whatever--the men are supposed to be rugged and strong.

Another presenter had a book called Hip Knits and then she went on about how everyone could pretend that the men who bid on it were getting it for their girlfriends or wives... like it was funny the notion that men knit.  Afterwards, I was trying to be friendly and cordial--I introduced myself to her and then said, "I have male friend of mine is a prolific knitter..."  Her response was "Hunh!" 

This Huron Valley group is smaller, seems more laid back, but also was a bit disorganized.  I was asked to speak on a topic as were the other guests which was a bit nerve-wracking but okay.  I did want to speak although I didn't know I'd be called on.  And the president brought home-made cheesecake!  I thought the president's feedback for one of the speakers was ill advised--he told her that she shouldn't thank the audience, but that the audience should thank her for her time and what she shared with the audience.  I totally disagree.  Manners would say that you thank your audience for their time and consideration--and it's a two-way street.  The audience of course can give their gratitude as well.

The members of the Washtenaw group are definitely more aggressive, organized and challenge my comfort zone.  Yet, would I grow better in a more relaxed, less intense environment?  I definitely want to go to at least one more meeting of each chapter before I make my final decision.

So proud of myself

This weekend I applied for a job, got a new job reference, got a job recommendation from hrhqod1 .

I also went to a Toastmaster's meeting this past week (hated it).  And I did yoga 3 times in the past week.

Emma and I also had a lovely weekend in, playing Rock Band and a late night run to White Castle :-P


2009 Year End Reflections

Tough times in 2009:

living with Jaymie
supporting two people on my wages
finding out how  Jaymie betrayed me and fucked her own life over as well
breaking up with Jaymie
letting go of Jaymie
transitioning to a new supervisor at work
friends and loved ones under and unemployed
job application rejections
months of overdraft fees
unable to afford getting out of extended lease w/o renting to another

Good times in 2009:
Star Trek exhibit
Joe Reilly concerts
NINJA 2009
Walking around lake with uncle and cooking for him
Thanksgiving and Christmas with Emma's parents and my uncle
Phantom of the Opera
Cedar Point Halloweekend
Karaoke with bigdoug 
my birthday celebration at Tower Inn with hrhqod1 ,bigdoug ,thegreencall , Emma and my uncle
Michigan Rope Drills
Nutcracker ballet
Ravi Shankar and his daughter
RenFest (kinda sorta)
driving Emma's car
Tarot workshop
hrhqod1 's graduation
Jason and Jennifer's Wedding
Roller Derby with thegreencall  and blue_sky_48220 

Star Trek
Astro Boy
Twilight New Moon
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Welcome to Dongmakgol

What I look forward to in 2010
Continuing my spiritual practice
Incorporating more balance into my life
Improving my psychological health
greater wealth (not necessarily monetary)
possibly joining Toastmasters
Learning to play drums on Rockband
Applying for jobs weekly that are within commuting distance from the Ypsi-Arbor area with the government or in higher education
Better financial control and improving my credit
Giving more to organizations I believe in like my local NPR station, HIV and AIDS Resource Center, Gay and (Lesbian Task Force, National Center for Transgender Equality, wildlife and environmental conservation, and the Michigan Theater.
More reading for pleasure and nature walks
Oil wrestling with Emma-chan


Yay, it's my real birthday and I voted to fund education

The only one who wished me happy birthday w/o some kind of reminder or prompt was the lady who accepted my voting application today.

Getting older is kind of a lonely process.  Perhaps Misa's recent passing and Samhain made the reality closer for me.  I am not afraid of death, but of becoming helpless and weak.  I hope I die at age 50 as did my mother and father although not die the same way--due to cancer or suicide respectively.  Die young and leave a beautiful corpse.

I am glad that I have been able to get some friends together to celebrate my birthday tomorrow, otherwise, my birthdays have been even more depressing when I do nothing to recognize the passing of time and another milestone.

On a side note... it was so weird to me to see signs around town urging people to vote no on the millage b/c it was supporting "irresponsible school spending".  The state is cutting funds for districts ... and kids keep needing more textbooks, building, equipment and other resources.  Yeah, sure, we don't need to waste money on education--right.  Those kids are freeloaders just like my cats.  I keep yelling at them to get out and get jobs... damn cats.

Seriously, I just wish that my funds would go to real public schools and not those craptacular charter schools, especially the ones that are for profit and cut bussing and book money for fucking greed.

Misa's Samhain Passing

Misa died somewhat unexpectedly on Wednesday, October 28th.  I knew her breathing was a bit off and I was going to take her to the vet when I had the funds to check her out.  If I had thought it was serious, I'm sure that Emma would have helped me out but we didn't know.  I went to the Secretary of State to renew my license and then picked up Madeline so I was only gone a couple hours.  I thought she was just sleeping, but thought it strange she didn't get up with Madeline in the apartment.  So I looked at her more closely, she was still warm but still and starting to stiffen.

She looked just like a Halloween cat, with the arched back and tail in the air. 

I texted my boss to let him know that I would be late because my cat died; however, he never wrote back or said anything when I came in.  I had intended to stop by my uncle's before work, but told him I couldn't because my cat died.  He offered to let her be buried in the woods he owns by his house.  So I went there and he did most of the shoveling.  I wound up only 30 minutes later for work than I had intended.  I told a couple of my coworkers that she had died.  One tried to comfort me, that I had two others to help take up the space left by the other.  She meant well, but you know it's not just not true.  You may as well tell someone who one of their children died that they could have more kids or they still have other children.  It's not the same.  Not at all.

If this had been Madeline or Moe, I would have been more broken up about it.  Misa had been hard for me to love.  She didn't seem sociable and was aggressive with my other cats.  She went potty outside the litterbox if it didn't meet her approval of cleanliness level, something I didn't  have the other cats do before.  She peed on me when I tried to trim her claws.  My ex had claimed her as her familiar so that was another reason I resented her.  My ex had found her as a stray, and I decided to keep her since it seemed the Humane Society was overwhelmed with unwanted animals that people could no long afford due to a shitty economy.  After my ex moved out and said she couldn't keep her, I decided to try to get Misa another home.  Emma took some pictures in this effort.  When I noticed she was breathing funny, I decided to hold off on putting her up for adoption until I had her checked out by a vet--nothing worse than just adopting an animal, getting attached, then she dies on you right away.  As it was, I only shared my life with Misa for about a year.  She was a young cat.  I hope that I did her more good than harm.  And in the end, I did love her and was very sorry for how I had resented her and yelled at her sometimes.

Here are some more pictures taken in the hopes of finding her a loving home.

Kitty bot, plug her in and watch her go.

So yesterday, I performed a ritual based upon what I learned from thegreencall  in Elements class/tutoring.  Since we're the closest to the veil I felt it was a good time for funerary rites.  I hope that I gave her spirit protection and I wished it to be free--as free as her wild, vibrant soul could be.


Angry Vagina is Angry

Yesterday had my annual physical then my second-to-last laser treatment.  If nothing else, it was the most unpainful pap I have ever had.  Now that I'm nearly 36, the Physician's Assistant said that I only have to get pap'ed every other year.  Yay for getting older and entering the chrone stage of my life?

So you know how you have one date with someone... then they disappear... then they contact you weeks later?  So Mr. Unemployed found the time to write back to me after I wrote to him over a couple weeks ago that I wasn't going to contact him anymore since he wasn't returning my emails and I didn't want to feel like a stalker.

I am sending back:
"I wasn't holding my breath.

I really could have done w/o this email--I kinda skimmed it."

I guess it's "nice" of him to write, to explain that he is trying to get together with someone he knew from some time ago... but it was like... get over yourself. 

Angry vagina says "HOO-HAH!"